Venting

Posted: May 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

Sometimes it’s just one of those days.

Another one of those days.

Everything stands out as dumb and meaningless. Everyone seems wrong and misled. The world around me collapses and reshapes itself into one big pile of shit. It’s the world we’ve created.

Through countless generations, our kind has been forced to exist in this place, forced to try to make something out of it.

But what if there is nothing to make? What if all that we can do is lay one mistake atop of the previous one? What if it is all for nothing?

One could say that I need God.

Doesn’t everyone?

I’m not sure what to think of this. I’m not sure how to handle myself or my thoughts. I’m afraid of myself.

Maybe I’m just unfit to live in this society. But who is fit to live in it, really?

Humans really have dropped the soap regarding this whole “civilization” thing. We have gone against our nature in order to lead more comfortable lives. We continue to fuck ourselves in this manner every day.

It’s far too late to go back. All we can do is go on forward and try our best to adapt to this new way of life.

Alright, who the hell do I think I am? Talking about all this like I actually know anything? Shit.

What am I talking about anyway?

This is all a horrible joke.

Maybe I just need a break. Or a something. Yes, that would do.

Crazy Polish man signing out.

Where is my Home?

Posted: October 27, 2013 in Uncategorized
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Sometimes I wonder if there is a place in the world meant for me. A place where I’d have a better chance of attaining true happiness; somewhere where I belonged. Naturally. 

Does a place like that exist for anyone? 

Or does one have to work and strain oneself to make that place for oneself?

I’ve had good places in the past. 

“Had.”

They’ve been taken from me. They’ve been destroyed by me. They have ceased to exist.

My self-destructive nature has made it hard for me to keep positive. 

It seems like whenever I find something suitable for me I turn it against me; it is most frustrating. 

Having a [hopefully] long future ahead of me, I cannot even think of how I will make things work to my advantage. All I can do is try my hardest to be successful while relying solely on myself, the person who, since my birth, has been my greatest enemy.

How can I make myself my friend? 

It is a question with an easy answer. Why is it so hard to comply with that answer? 

Am I cursed? 

Stupid?

Wrong?

Or simply not perceptive enough? 

*sigh*

Once again, all I can do is keep looking. All I can do is try to find my home.

A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain.

 

The purpose of this post is to state my idea of “God” and to give my opinion on beliefs and people’s convictions. The first part of this post states my belief and the exact thoughts behind it; it might be offensive to some. However, I urge anyone who chooses to read this to wait with hating me until finishing the entire post.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hollow Life

Posted: October 26, 2013 in Uncategorized
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I haven’t been able to write for a while.

I got fucked again.

This time, instead of fucking over one friend, I fucked over five of them; two of them my best friends.
It wasn’t actually only my doing; the fault was collective. But I was the one who allowed what happened to happen.

How can I be such a dumbass?

At least we escaped legal trouble… again…

Dang.

My life now consists of school, reading, and exercise. There’s not much else to it. It’s actually intriguing in a way; days flow by much faster when it’s nearly impossible to distinguish between yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

I accept it.

But then again I don’t.

It makes sense that life is supposed to be like this – something will always seem to be missing. That is the driving force behind the progress of the human race. The force that compels us to improve ourselves.

But what is the point of improvement? If the above is true, perfection can never be reached.

Is existence just about improving oneself?

It would appear so…

I need to become better at controlling my thoughts. I need to further change the way I think of the world. Living with the idea of a definite goal does not make me happy. And what happens when I reach whatever goal I am attempting to fulfill? Nothing. Emptiness. Void.

Why can’t there just be happiness?

Well, according to Buddhism, there is. One just needs to find it by becoming selfless and devoid of an ego… I’m not sure if I can accomplish that. At least not any time soon.

Ah, why?

I used to have things to help me get through every day. Things outside of my own consciousness. I miss those things.

Ignorance, toys, games, friends, drugs, girls.

Things change.

Things go away.

Things lose their importance.

Nothing escapes time.

Why….

To learn to be content with oneself?

To learn to lead a lonesome and bitter life?

There can be no other explanation.

There does not seem to be another goal with true importance. Or..?

I only wish more things remained. More things to help me. More things to live for. To care for.

Perhaps I am just too full of it.

Maybe I just can’t see those things or exploit them when I have the chance to.

I suck.

I wish I could write more… I just feel like it would be pointless.

Like everything.

Just kidding, I’m not one of those people.

Like things sometimes seem.*

Better.

-awkward ending-

I’ve always wondered – what is the primary source of sadness and problems in life? War? Famine? Inequity? Poverty? I’ve thought about it for quite a while, and I think I am finally beginning to come up with an answer. The issues lie in perception and interpretation. Life picks up negative meaning after it is processed by the mind. I believe that the mind is the key to living this life; it is through the mind that one perceives and interprets reality, and by learning to be in control of it, I believe I can learn to be in control of my life.

I’ve always had a problem. I could not stop thinking. Did you know that approximately 95% of the thoughts that go through an average person’s head are involuntary? I believe that taking a moment to cease thinking for at least a few minutes every hour to raise one’s awareness and to momentarily rest from the constant chatter of our thoughts can really make a difference in everyday life. The way our brain thinks is similar to a stray dog wandering through a town: the dog picks up a scent that leads it to another scent and then another. Before the dog is aware of what happened, he is at the other end of town.  I think people can all agree that being lost in oneself can be one of the most dreadful feelings in life. I have found that unless I can control my thoughts, I can never be sure where those thoughts will take me.

Another issue that plays a major role in life’s problems is desire.  Like many others, I’ve always had the problem of succumbing to my temptations and letting them control my actions. Many times it has brought me to my lowest points in life. Only recently I realized that in reality pleasure is far from happiness; pleasure is limited. It diverts the mind’s attention from the essence of life and disguises its true meaning. I do not mean to imply that in order to be happy one has to give up all the pleasures of life; Pleasure is a major component of a balanced lifestyle. However, it becomes dangerous when it is seen as the primary objective of existence. I believe that humanity’s next major step to progress is fully understanding that and working to not act solely upon the argument that “I want it!” I believe that to be happy, one has to detach oneself from one’s selfish, egoistic, reward-seeking lifestyle. Happiness is a state of being; a choice. It solely requires the mind’s detachment from the materialistic world. A man once asked Buddha, “How can I be happy? I want happiness.” To this, Buddha replied, “First remove ‘I.’ That’s ego. Then, remove ‘want.’ That’s desire. See, now you are only left with happiness.”

I believe that the power of the mind is the greatest power humans hold. I believe that by influencing my own perceptions and interpretations of life, I can influence my life. What is life if not perceptions? Furthermore, what is life without them?

My greatest weakness – conceit.

Only this year I have realized how full of myself I am. It is somehow natural for me.

Looking back on my life I see that I have always felt myself to be better than others. My actions and feelings clearly reflected it.

I hate this trait in people. Why do I have to have it myself? Perhaps I hate it because it is something I can’t help.

Why me?

I won’t go too much into this topic, but even as a baby of not even 2 years of age, I showed signs of “greatness.” I started talking much earlier than other kids. I didn’t go through a mumbling/cooing phase. Instead, at 8 months old, I surprised my mother by suddenly calling her name. I did not speak again after that until 5 months later when I uttered two broken up sentences. What was even more surprising was the meaning of what I said. However, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t want to get too far into this topic.

Many psychologists believe that kids who start their mental development early are prone to a heightened sense of self-righteousness. Furthermore, they have a higher chance of succumbing to the use of mind-altering substances. What a coincidence.

Why?!

No matter how hard I try to suppress it, I can’t. It never leaves me. I may not notice it, but my vanity constantly flows in the back of my subconscious mind, controlling my actions. At times the influence is positive. Other times it is negative. Either way, I hate it. I do not like to be manipulated. Especially by a part of myself that appears, at least at this point in time, beyond my control.

The consciousness should be the only thing in charge of one’s life. It should not be clouded by feelings or darkened by perception. This, I think, is the key to transcending into a higher state of being, my goal in this life.

It’s strange. I want to get rid of my sense of greatness in order to be great. Maybe I am not so great after all. Perhaps that’s why I am so egoistical – to cover up my shortcomings. Eh, this whole psychological self-analysis could go on for ever.

I might as well stop writing.

I will end this post with the usual conceited picture of my face.

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My dream

Posted: September 15, 2013 in Uncategorized
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I have a crazy goal. Well, crazy in the eyes of most people at least. I want to get into Princeton on a full scholarship.

Impossible, right?

Yea.

8,000 students.

The #1 university of 2013.

How slim can the chances be?

Not slim enough for me to give up my dream.

It’s strange how things have changed recently in my life. I had always said that even if I could, I wouldn’t want to go to an Ivy League school. The highest I aimed was GA Tech. I’ve never been the studious kind. In Poland, I never paid attention in school. The first time I truly studied for a class was my freshman year of high school, and it was for less than 15 minutes. Less than 8 months ago I quit my habit of smoking weed all day. How is it that now I can’t go a day without the thought of attending Princeton?

I’m truly proud of myself.

I’m still developing my study and homework habits. It’s a pain. But practice makes perfect, right?

I want to be admired. I want to have a better image. I want to go back to Eastern Europe with great education and make things better for my family and my country. What else could I ask for?

I can’t give up my dream. It’s not an option.

Even if things don’t work out, at least I will have known I tried.

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